I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
