i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
