I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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