She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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