Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
