I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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