You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
