My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
