Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i think i have two assholes
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
