Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
