I like my sex mixed with concussions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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