if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
