Don't make out with my wife yet
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
