When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
