Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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