I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
