At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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