you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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