new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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