well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
