did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
