we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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