Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
