you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
