oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
