About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
