Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
