Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
