watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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