I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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