Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
