I am puke
I think my vagina is haunted
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
