I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
