fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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