I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if only i could text you this smell
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
