Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
