I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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