she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
