just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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