The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
