tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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