I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
