my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
