we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
