I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
