you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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