a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
