Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
