Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
