I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the day after is always just damage control
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
