i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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